Coping With Guilt and Emotions During the Holidays When a Parent Is in Care

You’re at your own kitchen table on Christmas Eve, and your youngest just said something so ridiculous that the whole table is laughing. Then, halfway through, you think of your mom in her apartment across town, and the laugh catches. You wonder whether you’re allowed to be this happy right now.

If that moment sounds familiar, you’re not doing anything wrong. Coping with guilt and emotions during the holidays is one of the hardest parts of having a parent in assisted living or memory care, whether your family’s season centers on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or the traditions of your faith community. This guide explains why these feelings come up and what helps.

Quick Answer: Guilt and mixed emotions during the holidays are common when a parent lives in assisted living or memory care. Holidays highlight what has changed, so love, relief, sadness, and guilt often show up together. Name the feelings, remember why the move was made, put guilt toward small actions, and talk with someone you trust.

Why Do I Feel Guilty During the Holidays?

Almost everyone feels some holiday guilt, whether about money, obligations, or time that can’t be split evenly. Holidays come with a picture of how things are supposed to look, and when your family’s life no longer matches it, guilt often fills the gap. In a 2025 American Psychiatric Association poll, 41% of U.S. adults expected more holiday stress than the year before, and nearly half named missing someone or grief among their worries.

For adult children of a parent in care, the holidays are when you notice most clearly what has changed: the empty chair, the recipe no one else knows, the tradition your parent always led. Guilt tends to attach itself to those changes, even when you had no power to prevent them.

Is It Normal to Have Mixed Emotions During the Holidays?

Yes. You might feel grateful your parent is safe, sad that the season looks different, relieved that you’re no longer managing everything alone, and guilty about that relief, all in the same afternoon. The Alzheimer’s Association notes that love and anger can exist side by side for caregivers, and encourages families to acknowledge all their feelings, positive and negative. None of these emotions cancels out the others.

Why Do the Holidays Make Me Feel Sad and Happy at the Same Time?

Part of the answer has a name. Psychologist Pauline Boss coined the term ambiguous loss to describe grieving someone who is still present but has changed in important ways. A 2024 article in the APA’s Monitor on Psychology describes it as one of the hardest kinds of loss because it has no clear ending and no ritual to mark it.

The holidays bring that loss to the surface. Your parent may be a short drive away and still not be the parent who used to carve the turkey. The same article describes an approach many therapists use: holding two truths at once. “She’s here, and she’s also changed.” “I’m happy today, and I miss how it used to be.” You don’t have to resolve them for the day to be a good one.

What Is Caregiver Guilt, and Why Does It Get Worse Around the Holidays?

Caregiver guilt is the sense that you aren’t doing enough for someone you care for. A 2019 study cited by AARP found that more than half of family caregivers felt at least somewhat guilty after a relative moved into long-term care, and more than 13% felt extremely guilty. A year-long study published in Dementia of 222 family caregivers found their guilt stayed stable across the year.

The holidays intensify it. Traditions highlight the roles your parent used to fill, relatives ask questions you’re tired of answering, and the visits you want to make compete with everything else. If your family is still in the adjustment period after a move, the first holiday can feel especially raw.

Why Do I Feel Guilty About Enjoying the Holidays When My Parent Is in Care?

The Alzheimer’s Association lists “feeling bad for still enjoying life” as a common source of caregiver guilt, so you’re in good company. It can help to ask what your parent would want for you. Most parents spent years trying to give their children good holidays, and seeing you enjoy one is likely what they’d hope for.

Your parent also has their own season taking shape, with neighbors, staff they know, and community events. Learning how senior living communities celebrate the holidays can ease the picture of your parent alone that guilt tends to paint. You can laugh at your own table on Christmas Eve and visit your mom on Christmas morning.

How Do I Deal With Guilt About My Parent Being in Assisted Living or Memory Care During the Holidays?

Start by remembering why the move happened. Choosing assisted living or memory care is usually a decision made for a parent’s safety and quality of life, often after other options had been tried. AARP’s caregiving columnist Barry Jacobs, a clinical psychologist, writes that caregivers often face no-win situations, and that guilt about them is a normal part of caring.

Then give the guilt somewhere to go:

• Plan a visit you can keep. A short, calm visit at the right time of day does more than an ambitious plan you cancel. Our guide to visiting a loved one in memory care for the holidays covers timing and length.
• Bring one tradition. A family recipe, a favorite carol, or an ornament from home.
• Ask the care team how your parent is doing. At Oaks, Designated Care Partners work with the same residents every day, so they’re well placed to tell you what your parent has enjoyed lately.
• Mark the hard days. Plan a call or short visit for a birthday, an anniversary, or the holiday itself.
• If you can’t visit at all, schedule a call at a set time, send a care package in pieces, and ask the care team to help mark the day.
• Rest. Your own health matters to your parent too.

Practical Ways of Coping With Guilt and Emotions During the Holidays

Guilt often shows up as a sentence in your head that feels true in the moment. Writing a second sentence beside it helps you see the whole picture.

What Guilt Says	What Is Also True
“I should be with Mom every day of the holidays.”	Short, regular visits are often easier on a parent with dementia than long ones.
“I put Dad there.”	You chose care that keeps him safe when home was no longer safe.
“I shouldn’t be enjoying this.”	Your parent likely wants you to have a good holiday.
“She doesn’t even know I came.”	She can still feel comfort during the visit, even if she doesn’t remember it.
“I’m relieved, so I must not care enough.”	Relief often comes from finally having help. It sits alongside love.

How Do You Handle Family Tension and Guilt Over Holiday Plans?

The holidays often bring out disagreements between siblings: who visits when, whether to bring a parent home, who’s doing more. Talk about plans early, share the care team’s input so decisions rest on how your parent is actually doing, and divide visits across the season so no one carries the whole load. If a relative far away questions your choices, invite them to call the care team or visit. Our guide on how to make the holidays meaningful in senior living has ideas for celebrating as a family.

When Should You Reach Out for More Support?

Consider talking with someone if guilt or sadness keeps you from sleeping, working, or enjoying anything, or if it lasts well past the holidays. Support can come from:

• A counselor or therapist, especially one familiar with caregiving or grief
• A caregiver support group, such as the Alzheimer’s Association’s ALZConnected community
• The Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 Helpline at 800-272-3900, available on holidays
• Your parent’s care team, who can talk through how your parent is adjusting

If you ever feel hopeless or have thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24 hours a day.

The Laugh That Catches

That moment at the kitchen table will probably happen again this year. When it does, let both things be there. The laugh is real, and so is the love that made you think of your parent. Then, if you can, pick up the phone, or plan a visit for tomorrow morning, when your parent tends to be at their best.

About Oaks Senior Living

Oaks Senior Living operates communities across Georgia built around one mission: to honor personal choice, provide a sense of purpose, celebrate uniqueness and strengths, and enable meaningful relationships. With Designated Care Partners matched to each resident for compatibility, Oaks is designed so that families can feel confident their parent is known and cared for, including during the holidays. We’d love to introduce you to life at Oaks. Reach out to a community near you, schedule a visit, or simply give us a call—we’re here whenever you’re ready.